a joke

Kick back, chill and just generally chat. (Requested by Slippy Tin)
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Xetal
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Post by Xetal » Sun Feb 10, 2008 1:01 am

Image ImageThat's on its way round the world... :D
Sworn, b'loody!

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Post by Bluebottle » Tue Feb 12, 2008 12:15 am

:good:
? I must have some booze. I demand to have some booze.
? This place has become impossible. Nothing to eat, freezing cold and now a madman on the prowl outside with eels.

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Post by dave mc » Tue Feb 19, 2008 9:12 pm

SICK LEAVE



I urgently needed a few days off work, But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy"

Then he would tell me to take a few days off.


So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, So, that the Boss might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What in the name of good GOD are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out."

Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "..And where do you think you're going?!"



She said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark.
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Post by Bluebottle » Fri Feb 22, 2008 12:21 am

:lol:
? I must have some booze. I demand to have some booze.
? This place has become impossible. Nothing to eat, freezing cold and now a madman on the prowl outside with eels.

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Xetal
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A truly momentous pun...

Post by Xetal » Mon Mar 03, 2008 12:24 am

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the cashier. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a ?30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow ?30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"










The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."


(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
Sworn, b'loody!

Xetal


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Post by Bluebottle » Tue Mar 18, 2008 1:21 am

:roll: That's terrible! :lol: ':-
? I must have some booze. I demand to have some booze.
? This place has become impossible. Nothing to eat, freezing cold and now a madman on the prowl outside with eels.

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Xetal
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Post by Xetal » Tue Mar 18, 2008 9:29 pm

It also has just about the longest 'pun-chline' I've ever seen: never mind the quality, feel the width.... :D
Sworn, b'loody!

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Post by dave mc » Fri Aug 01, 2008 2:42 pm

A Texas cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered, "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off...or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!'"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a few minutes ago..."
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A futile attempt to get Panda to visit....

Post by Xetal » Tue Sep 16, 2008 10:24 pm

How To Give A Cat A Pill


1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.


7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.


9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour a shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek, and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little sucker's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.


14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


How To Give A Dog A Pill.....
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
Sworn, b'loody!

Xetal

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Post by dave mc » Tue Sep 23, 2008 11:41 am

A husband and wife are travelling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and decide to stop for a rest.
They stop at a nice hotel and take a room but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out, four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
?But we didn't use them,' the man complains.
'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.
'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' complains the man again.
'Well, we have them and you could have,' the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies,
'But we didn't use it!'
The Manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. 'But Sir,' he says, this check is only made out for $50.'

'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have.'
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Xetal
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A short love story

Post by Xetal » Thu Sep 25, 2008 8:24 pm

A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....

He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying :
'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied . 'Just for tonight, let 's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own f ...ing blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.
Sworn, b'loody!

Xetal

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Re: a joke

Post by dave mc » Mon Oct 26, 2009 2:32 pm

A guy is driving around the backwoods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh__t.’
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Xetal
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Re: a joke

Post by Xetal » Tue Oct 27, 2009 8:06 pm

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE: YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
Sworn, b'loody!

Xetal


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